Sunday, February 12, 2012

Love Week (Part 5): Revisit

I decided for part 5 of Love Week, that I'd revisit where I was when I first came to Christ. How I felt. What I struggled with. Where my mind and heart were, and the reason for this walk down memory lane is to illustrate that revisiting our past leads to our remembering of God's blessings of old, present and promise for the future. I will not include any scripture. I will not add anything new other than this opening description of what you will begin reading. The words you are about to read are from a page out of my heart. It's a transparent man wanting you to know who he is. God bless you all.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

 Broken sidewalk
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

This is something that I shall have to dive back into my past for, as  
it was something I wanted to write, yet never got a chance to. Bare  
with me as I take you into a dark era of my life, to eventually find  
my way to the light.

My life, my everything is a broken sidewalk, but why? I sense  
something there, but what? It lingers on me, like a bad rash, but how  
come? I look around me with eyes ablaze, wanting to create entire fits  
of anarchy, but who will stop me? I know what  this sensation is, but  
shall I invite it in? He calls to me, and says to me, "Your father has  
forgotten about you, but you will not submit to me. Why are you  
fighting it, I am a friend, not an enemy? You can trust in my word, I  
will not fail you. All I want from you is your word." "No you don't,  
you want more, you want my everything, my most prized possession, and  
you can't have it. I am my own keeper, i say what goes on inside me,  
not you, or HIM."

Wait, just a minute there, do you hear that? I hear nothing! It is  
coming to me, but very faint, almost like a wisper, "My son, I have  
not left you alone, I only ask that you show me, that you are worthy  
of my gifts, and LOVE. No need to worry, about this new found friend  
of yours, I shall forgive you, but you must forgive, yourself.

Whatever, this trife life of mine, is too much to bare, I need to  
breathe, not feel suffocated.You can do something about it, but you  
always want someone to do this, and do that. I am through trying to  
prove myself to you. I am, who I am. You must LOVE me, for me. "But I  
do my son. You have so much potential in you, and you are destined for  
GREATNESS, you need only believe in me, and in yourself, and this  
"trife life" of yours, shall be no more."

"Man, get out of here with that nonsense, don't you see that he wants  
it now, he wants more than you can give him. You say you will forgive  
him, but I see nothing wrong in what he has done, or who he has grown  
up to be. A matter of fact, I am proud of you. You are tough, strong,  
and you could careless what people think of you. Not to mention all  
those women, man, the women...You are alright with me, man."

Dawg, I do not need none of you, I will do what I please, when I  
please, and I will get what I want, because I think fast, talk fast,  
and act fast. No one is on my level, and I have no doubt, that I will  
reign supreme over all, without the likes of you two side acts. Get  
out of my face.

Alright, if you want it like that, but I'll be seeing you, whatever  

My son, SAVE IT!!!!!

Well, my life went on, and it got good, and seemed as if I was  
conquering what I set out to do, but wait...The S@*!, hit the fan. I  
started to get fired from jobs, or quitting left, and right. Women,  
weren't paying any attention to me, my pockets were always empty, and  
my weight was doubling...What is going on here. How come this is  
happening to me, what have I done to deserve this? This is not fair.  
Why me?


Before I knew it 5 years had past, and I saw my life flash before my  
eyes, and it wasn't pretty.


A new year is on its way, and I find myself a quarter of the way into  
my life as it were. The faint whisper is ever so increasing, but I can  
sense the darkness hanging just over my shoulder constantly tugging at  
me. I find myself speaking out to him, "I know I have cursed your  
name, gone against your wishes, your better judgement, but I am here  
now to say that I am through fighting, rebelling. I submit to you, I  
give up, I give up, I give up."

My son, it is not for you to say you give up, and give in. You must  
feel it with all that you are, you must submit to me as I shall take  
you by the hand, and guide you to a world, a life so great, it shall  
overwhelm all of your wildest fantasies. I am the truth, and I shall  
love you for who you are. I made you from my image, you are a most  
perfect being. Can't you see that?

Not really, but I want to, I truly do. I ask you, can you forgive my  
every mistake? YES! Can you forgive my harsh behavior onto women? YES!  
How can you love me, after all I have done, seen, said, and thought  
of? My son, you need not worry yourself as I am all that there is on  
earth, and beyond. I am the creator of man, and my way is the right  
way, the only way to complete salvation from your past, you fears,  
your hatred, your mistakes. But, I say this now, you must submit to  
me, follow in the path that has been set for you. You must love for  
the sake of loving, you must obey for the sake of obeying. You are my  
son, and a witness to life you shall be, as I grant you life as my  
gift to you. Use your life, your experiences good, and bad to further  
yourself in life, to further yourself through fellowship, through  
prayer, you are man, you are my greatest achievement.


"Please forgive my cries my GOD, my LORD, my EVERYTHING, as your love  
is overwhelming. I was in the dark, and now you have shown me the  
light. You showed me my devilish ways, and the outcome of my choices.  
I shall follow you for all of my days Lord, I am your son, your image,  
your everything."

I no longer look to him, for a glimpse into a better life, as he is  
all about temptation, suggestion, betrayal, hate, sin, unforgiveness.  
I am your open vessel Lord, and I am open to your love, your  
teachings, and guidance. Show me the way, as I am that eager child  
wanting more from you.

From here on end, I shall speak of you in my life, carry you in my  
heart, and be blessed as you bless me. I shall love man, respect man,  
teach man, as I am the rebirth of a triumphant King that you have made  
me out to be.

"You are of me son, and I of you. Take me into your heart, and spirit,  
and make me your salvation. I shall guide you through the tough times,  
your fears, your insecurities, and not judge you for your weaknesses,  
but I shall judge you, and reprimand you as I am your father, and you  
shall not get out of line."

Thank you father, thank you. I have been lost for so long. I have  
hated man, hated against the ones that loved me. I have alienated my  
friends. I have sought justice for the betrayals done onto me. I have  
poisoned, and intoxicated my body. I have submitted to sexual sin, and  
the desires, and temptations of the flesh. I was the embodiment of sin  
Lord, but no more. You have shown me the ways of the foolish, and I am  
ready to do your bidding, and to live the life, and walk the path you  
have set before me.

"My son, now the test shall begin, as you shall live as I see fit. I  
shall release you into the world you have come to know, and see if you  
are ready, if you can resists the temptations the world has to offer."

I thank you father. In your name Lord, I shall praise you all of my  
days. I shall be of sound mind, and body, to no longer live a life of  
sin. I know you shall bless me, and surround me with your favor. I  
look forward to my new life, and eagerly await your direction.

~~~~~~~~HE CREEPS AGAIN~~~~~~~~

As I walk down my new path, I see the world different, but it has not  
changed. The sins of man are all over the place. Everywhere I look, I  
see the sins of man, yet I do not fear any temptations overcoming me.  
I am strong in my faith, and my devotion cannot be shaken, nor will it.

There is someone there, and I know what you want. You have no insight  
to my life any longer. "Come on, man"..........................Lord,  
shield me with your strength..........."But I thought you wanted the  
riches, the women, the fame, the fortune"........................ 
(Lord, I pray to you the prayer I know)


Our father who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on Earth,
As it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our tresspasses,
As we forgive those that tresspass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the glory, forever, and ever.

Please rid me of his grip Lord.

This broken sidewalk I call life, is no match  for my heavenly father,  
and as I see, and hear THIS ENEMY, call out to my name......I say, NO!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)

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